by Brandon “Shetland Pony” Schatz and James “Shetland Pony Play” Leask
The days are growing colder, which can only mean one thing: it’s not July in Canada. Coincidently, it’s now also December, and so once again, we’re here to hand out our picks for Best of the Year, in the only way we know how: by being right about everything. Prepare yourself, gently used readers, for the Inarguable Best of 2012!
Best Improper Fraction:
Matt
This is Matt’s fifth nomination, and third win.
And you thought there were dongs in Casanova! You ain’t seen nothing yet, True Believers. We’re gonna be honest: you are gonna see some shit. Unless it doesn’t make it across the border. How Improper is this Matt? He won’t be the only internationally-renowned pornographer working on Satellite Sam, that’s how Improper.
That one… uh… it might not make it into Canada, either.
Best Last-Game-of-the-Season Comeback to win the American League West:
The 2012 Oakland Athletics
Listen, when you run your own site you can make up your own awards.
Best Paranormal Twin Detectives in Gravity Falls:
Dipper and Mabel Pines
Because sometimes your boyfriend turns out to be nothing but a pile of gnomes and you need people you can count on to take them down.
Also: Waddles.
Best Kid Loki Crying:
Journey Into Mystery #645
Shut up, you’re still crying about it.
Best Use of a DeConnick as a Villain:
Takio
It’s only unbelievable until you start thinking about it. Please don’t come after me, Kelly Sue.
Best Show Where Someone Gets Straight-Up Rucked:
Bunheads
Seriously, he was only in THREE EPISODES? What the fuck, ABC Family? I sat through about thirty ads for Baby Daddy for only three episodes with Alan Ruck?
Best Picture We Took of a Cosplayer’s Sweet Airbrushed Ass:
This one.
You’re welcome, everybody!
Best Glories:
Morning
It should have been impossible for one of comics’ craziest series to get even crazier. There were prophecies and weird mind powers and sinister rituals and maybe time travel! Then, this year, they added long-lost twins, even more heel turns, definitely time travel and doubled the cast. It’s nuts.
Best Secret-Agent-slash-Gigolo-slash-X-Man:
Doop
Seriously, dudes:
He fought a Nazi Bowling league! And out-soloed the devil!
This was seriously ONE ISSUE. ONE SINGLE ISSUE. Fuck you, Jason Aaron, Mike Allred and Laura Allred! We love you.
Longest Cry After Reading Wolverine and the X-Men:
Issue #18
You guys, shut up, the pollen is just ridiculous in here.
Best WarRock:
Adam
Eugene Ahn used to be a lawyer. Now he’s a rapper. Thank god.
And then give him some of your money. You’ll be glad you did.
Best Fresh-to-Death, Thrizzling Comic:
Tales Designed to Thrizzle
Michael Kupperman is a god damn comedic genius, and we’re all kinda’ sad that his latest Thrizzle was his last – but at least we all don’t got the cancers. Maybe.
Best Sad Ice King Episode:
“I Remember You”
Yes, we’re still crying. Thanks, Pendleton Ward: we’re crying FOREVER.
Best Novel Our Friend Published:
The Girl Who Would Be King, by Kelly Thompson
Seriously, just buy this thing already and thank us later.
Best New Eco-Disaster Series by Brian Wood:
The Massive
It’s scary, because it (could be) true!
Best Hawkblock:
Hawkeye #3 by Matt Fraction and David Aja
Ladies.
Best Worst Television Series Title That Totally Knows It:
Cougar Town
You guys, it’s just a few days until the show comes back!
Best Captain Marvel Redesign
Jamie McKelvie’s
Let’s be honest, dudes: no other superhero redesign this year even comes close. It’s so good James had his sister make him a t-shirt based on the new design.
Best Mass Effect
Mass Effect 3
No spoilers, I still haven’t finished it.
The James Van Der Beek Lifetime Achievement Award
The James Van Der Beek Lifetime Achievement Award is our highest form of honour, bestowed to a person or persons who have achieved greatness during the lifetime of C!TB Spirit Animal, James Van Der Beek. Two years ago, this went to the Beek himself. Last year it went to Fraction-DeConnick Investigations. This year, it’s going to the one, the only…
Joshua Jackson
Proven worthy after putting up with Dawson’s shit for 6 whole years, Jackson also earns his place in history for his part in Fringe, as well as Pacey-Con, the movie where he gets cancer and rides a moterbike across Canada, and his dreamy eyes. Seriously. Look at’ em. You just melt, don’t you?
